This ecard preeeetty much sums up my inner control freak perfectly. I’ve never dealt well with change – regardless of size – and I certainly like to be 100% up in the ‘know’…knowing everything, having it all planned and prepared for and organised to within an inch of my physical capabilities. This is however, never something I’ve really had a big issue with. It’s kind of always served me well, being a bit of a freak in the control centre of my life. I’m organised, on time, reliable and ready – the only time it’s really a hindrance is when I shove God out of the way so that I’m still the one standing at the helm. That’s not so useful.
So when we fell pregnant and I got very very sick, I had to reevaluate the control freak within. How necessary was it that she fight for her previous position, and if it wasn’t necessary, how was I meant to function without her? Was this God using this period of my life to really teach the freak in me how to relinquish the need for control and rely on He who is greater than I?
In a word – yes.
Being pregnant is and has been and will continue to be the most out of control I have ever been in my entire life. Hands down. No question about it – the most out of control. It didn’t take long for the pure miracle of it all to hit home. Yes, I was sicker than I’ve ever been (and I’ve had gastro along with 100 other people onboard a ship at Christmas time in Lebanon!) but it really only took peeing on a stick for me to stand in complete awe at the Creator working inside me. I have no control over how my body functions and reacts during pregnancy. I have no control over the development and growth of Baby J. Yes, I can do things that work towards a positive environment like eating well, exercising etc…but I in no way have a hand in the placement of my son or daughter’s eyes on his or her head. I have no control over the growth of her organs or development of his or her brain. I have no say in his or her fingernails growing or bones strengthening. Nothing. And for me, this was a massive wake up call.
So despite spending the better part of the year so far with my head in the toilet, I was every day amazed at the pure supernatural event occurring inside me and this awe at God’s hands at work was what it took for me to make peace with being so out of control. I wasn’t able to live by my calendar anymore. I wasn’t able to plan and execute even doing the laundry. I no longer had a structured and ordered life because I had to take each day as it came.
For me, this has been an important lesson to learn. Not only because it will be just as crazy and out of control having a tiny human to care for later this year, but because it has and is continuing to help me put God in His rightful position at the helm of my life. Yes, I still fight for control sometimes and on my ‘good days’ feel more invincible than before, but at the end – all I have to do is feel that little person moving inside of me and I’m brought back to total awe in God’s handiwork and how He will always be in control, even when I’m spinning out of it.
Has something ever scared you so much that you were afraid to even think about it in case it might actually happen? Yep. 🎶story of my life🎶 when it comes to having a baby and being a parent. I know, I know…sounds utterly ridiculous right? How can that scare me so much I’m actually afraid of it happening?! Well, that’s been my battle for quite some time. Don’t get me wrong, I like kids. I’ll babysit! I’ll do Sunday school, no worries! But babies and having my own…nah, let’s not cross that bridge!
However, at the beginning of 2014 I went with some lovely ladies to the Hillsong Colour Conference which was AWESOME! During that weekend, I felt that I needed to stop passively listening to God and actively listen to His voice and leading in my life. So I purposefully set aside the first 6 months of last year to stop, listen, read and be humbled in terms of my ‘fear’…because if we’re honest, it’s selfish of me. I’m married to just the best man who would make an amazing Dad, and my attitude and behaviour to it all cuts him off at the knees. And let’s get really real here for a moment – do I reeeaaalllyyy not want kids ever? No. I do. So I spent an intentional 6 months in the Word, reading verses, studying stories, praying, getting angry, having revelations and being broken. I told God how I felt and I asked for new leading…I needed my heart softened and my walls broken. I needed to be open and willing to God’s plans even if parenting wasn’t going to be in them after all.
My 6 months ended in August, and I’ll be honest again – I expected to feel very little had changed. I expected that I’d feel peaceful about seeking the Lord in it all, but that I’d still not be in a place of desire for babies or being a parent.
Boy was I wrong!
It was the day after my 6 months ended and something happened like never before! Not even joking! I broke down in tears – tears of relief and peace – and had a ridiculously overwhelming sense of ‘newness’ in my journey. An overwhelming sense of “I want this and I can do this – what are we waiting for?!” 😮 shock-horror all around! I could not believe the way God worked in me…I shouldn’t have been quite so surprised I know I know, but I truly was! It blew my miiiiiiind!!
So 2015 holds many new adventures – most prominently the following:
Yep! THIS is how far I came purely in the grace, love & power of God. There was no other way I was going to get to this place in my life without His strength…is there something in your life that you’re afraid of or that is holding you back? Is there something that you could intentionally seek God’s leading on? You might be surprised with how He works to break down your walls ☺️