As the week’s creep on and the number of days between our family going from 2 to 3 get less and less, the hot reality of what lies ahead starts to take shape…
There’s good things about that and also challenges. If I think hard about the rawness of what could lie ahead for us as new parents, there are things that terrify me and I’m left with one thought – “I don’t have ‘mother’ in me. I don’t have that instinct…do I?”
I think about the huge responsibility of raising a functioning human being in this broken world and I can’t help but wonder what God is doing…I don’t know how to teach someone to speak?! I don’t know how to cut newborn fingernails?! I don’t know how to swaddle or burp or bathe or clear the nose of a tiny human who is depending on me for absolutely everything?!
I can’t think of the last time I actually taught anyone anything significant or poignant – how do I now teach a child how to speak or that hitting is wrong or how to brush your teeth or that you should wear a hat in the sun?!
God, what am I doing becoming a parent?!
…you see my spiralling thoughts, leading to a dark place of despair and fear. That isn’t where an expectant mother should be. She should be ‘glowing’ and filled with joy and anticipation at the bundle of cuteness that’s coming just around the corner…
Now, don’t get me wrong – there’s nothing wrong with thinking about the hard practicalities of parenting and crying out much like David did in a lot of the Psalms…but to dwell in a place of darkness and fear isn’t healthy.
For me, I have to work harder than others to be positive and find the up side to things. And I’m ok with that. So at this time in my life, it’s an EXTRA effort to find peace & joy & strength from God in His word. He has also gifted me just the best husband I could ever picture for myself who walks patiently with me, holding my hand and whispering words of encouragement in the tough times, and celebrating with me in the good times.
To help during these times of dim thinking, I’ve discovered a couple of collections of verses…and I leave you with one today. I come to these verse collations and stop, pause, spend a moment – I read, reread and think about the gravity of the words in front of me until I feel ‘light’ again. That’s the power of His word…bringing light to darkness and peace to despair.
GREAT is our Lord, and abundant in POWER; his understanding is beyond measure. <Psalm 147:5>