Recently – really recently – I was having ‘one of those days’. You know the ones I’m talking about? Things don’t go all that smoothly, emotions are high, thoughts are spiralling, there are no booked appointments or places to be in the calendar and you’re by yourself with the rain pit-pattering on the roof outside.
One of those days.
It started with some photos on social media and sort of went from there. For those playing at home, I’m in the final weeks of pregnancy – our first. It’s been a rough and rocky journey and it isn’t over yet! On the weekend, we went to a precious friend’s birthday and of course, there were cameras flashing and poses being struck. It wasn’t until a few mornings after that I saw these photos on social media…and the part of my brain and heart that focuses on self-image and preservation fell through the floor.
On a general day, I’m actually a fairly comfortable person. I’m not a size zero. I’m not triathlon fit. I like a burger with my apple pie sometimes and I am particularly partial to Black Forest chocolate. I go to the gym, but I’m definitely no junkie. I’ll be honest – it took me some years to get to this place of contentment though. My husband has a large part to play in how far I’ve come in how I see myself though – it took some time and I slip occasionally, but more often than not I see me as he does and I see me as an individual creation of my Creator too. I am the way I am because He designed me this way.
But being pregnant puts a totally different spin on things that I wasn’t prepared for, especially with hormones that seem to have a mind of their own! I saw these photos from the party and was utterly disappointed in what I saw. My face was round and pudgy, my eyes were dark and tired looking and my smile looked off centre because of how much extra weight I’m carrying. Yes, not everyone could probably tell, but I sure as heck could! I remember someone saying that I was glowing but all I could think was ‘glowing? – try sweating profusely!’
So my day began with a sunken feeling in my heart and mind at how much I didn’t look like me – at how round I look, at how tired I looked and at how uncomfortable I felt. These feelings only aided in my funk…it’s been such a long nine months and the end isn’t quite here yet…will I ever feel like me again…will I ever be content with me again…why haven’t I been able to enjoy parts of this process…what does all this mean for when Baby J is actually here…?
So many thoughts and feelings rolled around that day. It wasn’t a positive day. I busied myself with tasks and housework and letter-writing, but my mind kept coming back to the negative. I found a verse that stuck with me later in the day – but I’ll be honest…I still haven’t fully recovered from my ‘one of those days’ days and for now, I guess that’s ok. Each day is different, each moment a fresh chance and the journey has already been walked – I just take it one step at a time…one step…